-- E N V Y --

it's been a very long rest day weekend... it would've been nice had it been a long good, relaxing off-the-office weekend.. it wasn't.. it was exciting at first, then turned tiring, then exhausting, then frustrating... had some victories like triumphant move out from Kamuning... out of danger's way; maru's success in warding off his killers... good job, dear! to more frustrating ones like the seemingly endless trek of quiapo, to being party to blame for the barrage of criticisms and sarcastic blows to Dyan... to watching helplessly as dear ones suffer in pain.. to disappointments because of failed operations which we've been praying to work... to being 2seconds salary-rich, then being poor on the third strike of the clock's long hand...

it's 9:28AM... my last morning to sleep til my shift later at 7PM.. end of rest-day.. start of a new week... failed operations, need a think-over if it's worth a second try or is it time for plan B... work-deliverables shall flood again... need to plan for Baguio-trip, God knows how i can afford it this 2weeks before salary, same as Burgoo-meal i promised... ARGH! Bankard statements comes this week, too...

it's 9:34AM...
im here outside our small open-space at the back of the house... Puti is playing fetch the ball, erm, fur-ball with our dog Souyen, her being the ball, as Souyen grabs her by the nape, scrapes her on the ground then tosses her as far as he could, then another and another... on my left is Itim... this is his usual pose by this time of day.. too full to complain, too early to ask for lunch... contented and worry-free...
Mum will always provide them with food, shelter; no problems with work, no QA's to upload.. no bills to pay... no nothing... all that she worries about is how to spend the day..

breakdown of daily schedule (sked mimicked by Puti)
Rest Days Sun - Sat: 6AM - 9PM no Work days...

sleep... Eat, eat, eat... play.. play.. Eat.. sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... play... Eat, eat..sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep... eat, eat, eat, Play... sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep...

ENVY....

thank you spiderman...

it's been a really, really stressful week...

first time in my 25 years that i suffered palpitations, shortness of breath and severe chest pains for almost 2-3 times a day...
first attack, i thought, i just had too many starbuck(one peso only, hence "buck") caffeine shots from our trusty nescafe vendo machine...
but when 2nd and 3rd attack hit me.. i literally fell down on my knees with my headset still on...

reaction? my agents laughed at me...

"Hahaha! supe, ganyan ba talaga kapanget mga calls namen?!! "
still grasping my chest, i grabbed my office chair, rolled my EarthLink Protection Center blanket and laid my very heavy head on it...

"breathe... carlo.. breathe..."
"marame ka pang i-q-QA... marame ka pang agents na i-co-coach..."
"manonood ka pa transformers... " (i know.. it's the second week already.. and yes, i have yet to see it... after waiting for a whole year... after all the anticipation of finally seeing my all-time favorite cartoon/heroes in the big screen.. yes.. i have not seen it yet for lack of time, and lack of money.. yep, i'm that pathetic)

"Think happy thoughts, carlo..."
my stupid agents were still ignoring me.. siyet..
pain was getting worse... migraine attacks followed...
"OMG, is this the end of me? that can't be... mag-aabroad pa ko! susweldo ng malaki... finally nde ko na iindahin ang pagiging sole-bread winner ko! magde-date pa kame ni Dyan next week! bibilhan ko cia Harry Potter book 7... and most important of all, kelangan ko pa makita si Optimus Prime..."

i can't move... i'm having a heart attack...
and i'm alone in my manager's old station which is barricaded by walls, hence no one can see me suffering...

"happy thoughts... happy thoughts... "

finally.. one picture flashed before my eyes... it was Dyan and I's first picture together when we went to Enchanted Kingdom few weeks back...

it was one happy day...

it was one of "free-est" moments... far from everyone else... far from judging eyes of people who knew us; people who knew our situation...

it was one of the best days of my life...

and i am looking forward to have more of those happy moments with my Dyan...

i'm not gonna die here...

sh*t! i'm only 25! too young to retire... not yet! not yet!

i mustered enough energy to raise my head a bit, left arm still grasping my chest...

with a deep breath, i lifted my head higher.. and with one single release of energy, I slammed my forehead on my station!

"UGH!" siyet!

that hurt! but it worked!

my mind is starting to focus on my forehead, and switching it's attention from the chest pains to the big bump on my head....

i got up slowly... and when my knees were strong enough to hold my weight, i dashed towards the elevator lobby to run to the clinic, one floor down..

i immediately asked our company nurse to take my BP...

"120/90", normal po, sir...

normal??

then WTF just happened???

then she did some tests and monitored pulse.. and after an hour of testing and probing...

"you've been under alot of stress, sir... too much stress... you're body can't take that stress anymore... you need to take a breather from your very busy lifestyle.. relax every once in a while", the company doctor said...3

"aba, english speaking ang lolo mo!? astig" i quietly thought as he

gave me lectures about managing stress...

then it hit me...

i didn't need a doctor to tell me that... you don't know shit about me!

being the sole bread winner for the longest time...

having to work with the sh*tty supervisor load that i have with very decent payout, but very very little that's left for myself...

baring with the current situation that i have right now with Dyan and our very complicated situation..

having learned that she was hit by the father of her kid...

having to deal with issues at home with my mum, and her own set of skeletons in the closet...

i'm lucky i'm alive...

i thanked the doctor, packed my bags and went home with Dyan...

now, it's 12:15PM.. i have a shift that starts at 7PM...

i gave my last P100 to Dyan before she rode the MRT and with literally only P4 on my ancient wallet.. oh by the way, did i mention i lost my wallet last month? hayz... STRESS...

anyway, as i was saying, with only P4 in my wallet, 2 shifts to attend til payday this coming saturday morning...

i was left with no choice...

"here spidey-spidey...

sorry, my friend... i know i have not added much for the past few months...

you know my situation, right?

i promise, i'll put everything back if not more, okay?

i'm sorry...

don't worry, i'll take extra care... oryt?

now open wide... "

shit!

i need a new job and a new life.... else.. i might not even reach 26 next month....